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Archive-name: tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/part1 Posting-Frequency: monthly Last-modified: 10 Feb 1995 Version: 2.7 URL: http://cathouse.org/BritishComedy/Bottom/ ===================================================== THE "BOTTOM" FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS LIST ===================================================== Compiled and maintained by Version 2.7 Melinda 'Bob' Casino <casino@pobox.upenn.edu> A three-part FAQ on the British comedy t.v. program, "Bottom". The most recently posted ASCII version of this file is available via email. Simply send email to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu with this in the body: send usenet/news.answers/tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/* New and revised text is indicated by a "|" in the left-hand margin. For information on the WWW version, see section 5 "I WANT MORE BOTTOM!" This FAQ has been compiled entirely without the consent of Rik Mayall, Adrian Edmondson, or anyone or anything connected with the show "Bottom". Opinions expressed are solely my own, except when noted. Compilation Copyright 1994 by Melinda Casino.This FAQ is FREE, and should not be used by anyone for monetary gain. Include credits in all reproductions of this FAQ. _________________ Table of Contents Part 1: 1. WHAT IS BOTTOM? 1.1 General Description | 1.2 How many episodes were made? 1.3 Is there an episode guide? 1.4 Who's in the cast? | 1.5 When did it run? | 1.6 Where can I see/buy it? 2. A LITTLE HISTORY... 2.1 Bottom, the Stage Show 2.2 Rik Mayall Biography 2.3 Adrian Edmondson Biography 2.4 "The Comic Strip Presents" 2.5 "Filthy, Rich and Catflap" 2.6 Private Life? 3. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 3.1 What is "Emmerdale Farm"? 3.2 Who is Sue Carpenter? 3.3 Who is Felicity Kendal? 3.4 Is Eddie Hitler really related to Adolf Hitler? | 4. TRIVIA 4.1 General Trivia 4.2 The "Red Dwarf" Connection | 4.3 The cast--did you know...? | 4.4 Dictionary for Americans 4.5 Setting of the show 5. I WANT MORE BOTTOM! | 5.1 The cathouse.org British Comedy Pages 5.2 FTP Sites 5.3 The Books 5.4 RE: "'S Out" Part 2: | 6. THE EPISODES: PLOT SUMMARIES AND QUOTES 7. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Part 3: FULL TRANSCRIPT OF "'S OUT" ____________________ 1. WHAT IS "BOTTOM"? _______________________ 1.1 General Description "Bottom" is a half-hour British comedy program staring Adrian Edmondson (as Eddie Hitler) and Rik Mayall (as Richard Richard). It's also written by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall. It's centered on the lives of two down-and-out ne'er-do-wells who are on the dole. In other words, two people who are at the bottom of the social scale, financially, socially, and otherwise. "Bottom" primarily depends on, but is not limited to, slap-stick humor. The violence is of the "Tom-and-Jerry" variety, with little or no consequences in terms of harm to the characters. Most of the violence doesn't have much of an effect on the character's well-being, but if there are any consequences, they are greatly exaggerated for comic effect. The sound effects are also exaggerated, and add to the "cartoonish" style of the show. Surprisingly, one can relate to alot of the scenarios its one-diminsional characters go through. For instance, Eddie and Richie are 1) poor, 2) socially inept, 3) drifting along with no job prospects, 4) bachelors who will probably never have a long-term (or short-term) intimate relationship. Who has not experienced at least one of these at some point in their lives? I myself qualify for three...but watching Bottom somehow always cheers me up. :) Most of the scenes take place in their filthy low-rent apartment. The kitchen is completely foul. Kitsch articles (like a framed picture of Elvis Presley) adorn the apartment. Occasionally, the plot will take the characters outside their flat, into the English "country," for instance, to the local pub, or to a pawn-broker's. ________________________________ 1.2 How many episodes were made? There are 3 series of "Bottom." Each series consists of 6 episodes. The third series is currently airing (see sect. 4.1). The names and order of the episodes are as follows: CURRENTLY AIRING: ______________ ________________ Smells | Hole | Gas | Terror | Contest ->1st Season Break ->3rd Season Apocalypse | Dough | 'S Up | Finger | Accident ____________| Carnival_____________| ______________ Digger | Culture | Burglary | Parade ->2nd Season Holy | 'S Out ______________| For descriptions of each episode, consult Part 2 of this FAQ or the "Bottom Episode Guide" (see 1.3 below). Jon Morris <jdm93ma@soton.ac.uk> informs me: "...'s Out' has never been shown on British TV. It has, however, been released on video, as have all the other episodes...At the time (it was about November) there was some murder or attack on Wimbledon Common. This episode was set on the same heath so the BBC thought it would be in bad taste to show it. However, they didn't show it when they repeated the second season either." On the back of a poster for the "Bottom Live!" stageshow, a full transcript is written with the acknowledgement that the murder, which took place the week before the scheduled transmission, was indeed why "'S Out" was never broadcast. ______________________________ | 1.3 Is there an episode guide? Funny you should ask. There is, in fact, a new Bottom Episode Guide, written by James Kew and myself. It is available at Tardis. The URLs: ftp://ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/Bottom/Bottom http://www.tardis.ed.ac.uk/~dave/guides/Bottom/ ______________________ 1.4 Who's in the cast? Although "Bottom" focuses primarily on two great mates in their apartment, the plots bring Richie and Eddie into contact with other characters. The list below is not comprehensive, but covers most of the cast: CHARACTER PERFORMER --------- --------- Richard Richard..........................Rik Mayall Edward Hitler............................Adrian Edmondson Sex Shop Assistant.......................Kevin McNaly Woman at bar.............................Harriet Thorpe Landlord (pub)...........................Lee Cornes Kate.....................................Cindy Shelley Jenny....................................Carla Mendonca Mr. Harrison.............................Roger Sloman Gasman...................................Mark Lambert Mr. Rottweiler...........................Brian Glover Spudgun..................................Steven O'Donnell Dave Hedgehog............................Christopher Ryan Shooting Gallery Stallholder.............Mark Arden Brenda the Ballgazer.....................Liz Smith Nurse; Lady Natasha Laticia*.............Helen Lederer Falklands veteran........................Robert Llewellyn Pawn Shop Owner..........................Brian Croucher Veronica Head (barmaid)..................Julia Sawalha *Sara Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Rablomov Dob, 3rd Viscomptress of Moldavia (The distinctive music to the show is by The Bum Notes.) ____________________ 1.5 When did it run? The original transmission dates are as follows: Series 1 - 1991 Series 2 - 1992 --------------- --------------- 1. Smells..........Tues. Sept. 17 7. Digger..........Thurs. Oct. 1 2. Gas.............Tues. Sept. 24 8. Culture.........Thurs. Oct. 8 3. Contest.........Tues. Oct. 1 9. Burglary........Thurs. Oct. 15 4. Apocalypse......Tues. Oct. 8 10. Parade..........Thurs. Oct. 22 5. 'S Up...........Tues. Oct. 15 11. Holy............Thurs. Oct. 29 6. Accident........Tues. Oct. 29 12. 'S Out......(never transmitted) Series 3 - 1995 --------------- 1. Hole............Fri. Jan. 6 2. Terror..........Fri. Jan. 13 3. Break.......... Fri. Jan. 20 4. Dough...........Fri. Jan. 27 5. Finger..........Fri. Feb. 3 6. Carnival........Fri. Feb. 10 ___________________________ | 1.6 Where can I see/buy it? "Bottom" is available in the U.K. on videotape; the following video sources may not have Bottom; but if you call and ask, they may be inclined to start buying it for their customers. Join the "U.S. Bottom Campaign" (tee-hee) by calling and demanding your right to see "Bottom"! In the U.S.: Signals Telephone toll-free, any time, 1-800-669-9696, or write Signals, WGBH Educational Foundation, P.O. Box 64428, St. Paul, MN 55164-0428. They accept major credit cards over the phone and take checks with mailed orders. They have a few different catalogues; request the video catalogue. The Video Catalog Telephone toll-free any time 1-800-733-2232 or write P.O. Box 64267 St. Paul, MN 55164-0267. They also offer a custom order service, "Video Trackers". Call 1-800-71VIDEO (1-800-718-4336), toll-free between 7am and midnight (Central Time); if the title you want is currently available, they'll find it for you. BFS Telephone toll-free 1-800-268-3891. I'm told they have a decent selection of British videos; ask for their catalogue. BBC's Lionheart Productions Phone is not toll-free 212-705-9300. Request their catalogue. The chap I spoke with on the phone told me that they have a limited number of videos available; they lie. They have lots. In Australia: "Bottom" was recently aired for the first time in Australia. All 4 volumes are now available from Polygram Video. No matter where you live, you can always contact the BBC directly: The BBC Shop Phone: 091-222-0381 P.O. Box 1QX Newcastle-Upon-Tyne NE99 1QX ENGLAND _______________________ 2.0 A LITTLE HISTORY... __________________________ 2.1 Bottom, the Stage Show Bottom, the Stage Show, was filmed at Southampton Mayflower Theatre in 1993. Tickets cost between #8.50 and #13.50. The following is from a press release. "Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson star in a full stage play based on the award winning BBC2 TV series. With their own inimitable wit, style and sense of the ridiculous they transport you to the explosively insane world of two of society's most catastrophic no-hopers... Richie and Eddie are two of life's losers; two pimples on life's bottom. Surviving on a diet of vitriol, mutually inflicted wounds and pornographic magazines, they belch, curse and smash their way through the boredom of life. The effects are disastrous! EDDIE He's the sort of person you cross the road to avoid. He likes life's simple pleasures: a visit to the bookies, cheating Richie out of anything he can (including the rent) and then breaking his legs on his birthday. If there's any way he can score, whether it s money, girls or an advantage over Richie, he'll do it. RICHIE He seems nice, well in a smarmy, oozing and oily-tongued way that you realize isn't really nice at all. His problem is sex: he thinks the 'Kama Sutra' is an Indian restaurant. Sex is something which happens to other people and they won't even let him watch." ________________________ 2.2 Rik Mayall Biography NOTE: A more extensive biography is available via ftp: ftp://ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk/public/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/Bottom/ Rik Mayall was born March 7, 1958. His father ran the dramam department in a teacher training college. Rik went to King's School in Worcester, starting at 9 years old instead of 11. He then attended Manchester University where he read Drama and met Adrian Edmondson. While there he formed a theater company, "20th Century Coyote," which played at the Edinburgh Festival to great critical acclaim. On graduating from college, he played "Dromio of Syracuse" in the Oxford and Cambridge Shakespeare Company production of "Comedy of Errors". The production toured in America for 3 months. Television credits include: A Kick Up the Eighties - 'Kevin Turvey' skits (BBC) The Comic Strip Presents - (Channel 4) The Young Ones - as Rick (BBC); co-wrote. Filthy, Rich and Catflap - w/Adrian Edmondson and Nigel Planer (BBC) George's Marvellous Medicine - for Jackanory, children's show (BBC) Saturday Night Live - 'The Dangerous Brothers' skits (LWT/CH4) Grimm Tales - Series 1 & 2, Grimms Fairy Tales (Initial/Central TV) Blackadder I - cameo in last episode (BBC) Blackadder II; IV - 'Flasheart' character (BBC) The New Statesman - as 'Alan B'stard' (Yorkshire TV) Rik Mayall Presents - (3 1-hour plays) "Micky Love," "Briefest Encounter," "Dancing Queen." (Granada/ITV 1993) Film includes: The Eye of the Needle (supporting role); Shock Treatment (minor character); An American Werewolf in London (bit part); Couples and Robbers (short film); Little Noises; Drop Dead Fred (title character); Horse Opera; Carry On Columbus. Theatre includes: Man Equals Man; The Government Inspector; The Common Pursuite; Waiting for Godot (with Adrian Edmondson). Live: Comic Strip (UK, 1982); Kevin Turvey and the Bastard Squad (UK, 1983); Rik Mayall and Ben Elton (UK, 1984-85); Rik Mayall and Andy De La Tour (UK. 1989, 90) ______________________________ 2.3 Adrian Edmondson Biography NOTE: A more extensive biography is available via ftp: ftp://ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk/public/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/Bottom/ Adrian Edmondson was born January 24, 1957. His father taught abroad for the Forces. He lived abroad until age 12, then went to a British boarding school. He trained in studio drama at Manchester Univeristy, the same year as Rik Mayall. They formed the partnership called "20th Century Coyote." In 1977 he took a one-man show to the National Student Drama Festival. Adrian wrote "Consuela" and "Mr. Jolly Lives Next Door" (the latter with Rik Mayall and Rowland Rivron), both of which were directed by Stephen Frears. He has also directed several successful pop videos including "Hourglass" and "Trust Me to Open My Mouth" for Squeeze; The Pogue's "Fiesta"; and 10,000 Maniac's "Like the Weather." Television credits include: The Young Ones (BBC) Saturday Night Live - 'The Dangerous Brothers' skits (LWT/CH4) The Comic Strip Presents (Channel 4) The Lenny Henry Show Blackadder Goes Forth -- as Baron Von Richtoven (1989) Happy Families -- leading role (BBC) Filthy, Rich and Catflap -- w/Rik Mayall and Nigel Planer (BBC) Hardwicke House (1985) Snakes and Ladders (6-part series) 1989 (Yorkshire TV) News Hounds (1990) Absolutely Fabulous -- apppeared in If You See God, Tell Him (4-part series) Edmondson wrote and directed the following films: Bad News; More Bad News; Private Enterprise. Additionally, he wrote and starred in Dirty Movie, and wrote Mr. Jolly Lives Next Door along with Rik Mayall and Rowland Rivron His theatre work includes: Honest, Decent and True (1985); West End Production of Waiting for Godot (1991). ______________________________ 2.4 "The Comic Strip Presents" The Comic Strip gets its name from a revue of the same name. It ran from October 1980 to July 1981 and starred the regulars that appear in the TV Comic Strip films: Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Miranda Richardson, Nigel Planer, Rik Mayall, Adrian Edmondson, and Alexei Sayle. There is an excellent Comic Strip episode guide compiled by Michael Shephard <michaels@jake.chem.unsw.EDU.AU>. It can be obtained via ftp: ftp://src.doc.ic.ac.uk dir:/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/ ______________________________ 2.5 "Filthy, Rich and Catflap" In 1987, Adrian Edmondson, Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Nigel Planer came together for a collaboration that some view as a precursor to "Bottom". "Filthy, Rich and Catflap" was written by Ben Elton with additional material by Rik Mayall, and the characterizations are similar to Rik and Ade. _________________ 2.6 Private Life? I have it on good authority that that's strictly private. However, it seems this FAQ wouldn't be complete if it wasn't mentioned that Adrian Edmondson is married to comedian/writer Jennifer Saunders, who was also in the Comic Strip ensemble, is 1/2 of the 'French and Saunders' comedy team, co-stars and writes the t.v. show 'Absolutely Fabulous,' and probably deserves an FAQ herself! Rik Mayall was romantically involved with Lise Meyer around the time of "The Young Ones." Meyer wrote the show with Rik and Ben Elton, and is a force on the comedy scene in England in her own right. Michelle T. Street <mtstreet@firefly.prairienet.org>: "...Rik's wife is named Barbara. Both she and Lise Mayer were pregnant with Rik's child at the same time. Lise ended up miscarrying, and Rik now has two or three kids [with Barbara]...Lise has had affairs with Rowan Atkinson, Hugh Laurie, and a slew of other comics." _____________________________ 3. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS _____________________________ 3.1 What is "Emmerdale Farm"? "MAD Mosher" <I.R.Purdie@bradford.ac.uk> described this Brit TV show to me: "'Emmerdale Farm" is a weekday soap opera about life in the Yorkshire Moors. Its based around the aforementioned farm, some village, and a pub called the Woolpack. Typical UK cr*p, to be honest...I think that's why it's parodied in 'Bottom'!" Jerry Kohl <pnm@u.washington.edu> writes, "Known since 1990 simply as 'Emmerdale.' It's a twice-a-week evening soap, generally ranking third among soaps in the UK, after 'Coronation Street' and 'East Enders.' Whether it's 'typical UK cr*p' or not is a matter of opinion..." _________________________ 3.2 Who is Sue Carpenter? James Kew comments "She's a rather second-rate newsreader; the joke is that R & E are infatuated by these kind of 'fantasy' characters because...they're too sad to meet women in real life." Thanks James. I can't relate to that _at all_. :D ___________________________ 3.3 Who is Felicity Kendal? Jerry Kohl writes "She's well known for her stage work, but has done a fair amount of television as well...('The Good Life') is generally regarded as one of the three or four all-time best comedies ever made for British TV. Kendal and Briers played Barbara and Tom Good (hence the title), who decide to drop out of the rat-race and try self-sufficiency farming in the London suburb of Surbiton." James Kew adds: "Felicity had (and still has) a sort of 'thinking-man's crumpet' appeal." Adrian Myers <adrian@isltd.insignia.com> notes: "To help understand Ms. Kendal's significance to "Bottom", it's worth noting that [she] was once well-renowned for her sexy posterior. So much so, that she is a former winner of the Jeans Industry's Rear Of the Year award." There is in fact an FAQ on "The Good Life," maintained by Tony Velasquez, posted regularly on rec.arts.tv.uk. NOTE: "The Good Life" is known in the U.S. as "Good Neighbors." 3.4 Is Eddie Hitler really related to Adolf Hitler? No. Eddie is asked on two separate occasions if he's "any relation". The episodes are "'S Up" and "Digger." Eddie takes this to mean, "Do you have any relations?", but what the characters are asking is "Are you related to Adolf Hitler?" They're trying to joke with him, and it goes right over his head. _________ 4. TRIVIA __________________ 4.1 General Trivia Eddie Monsoon seems to be a name Adrian Edmondson and wife like: Jennifer Saunders named her character in Absolutely Fabulous "Edwina Monsoon," but she is constantly called "Eddie" in the series. Additionally, Adrian used this name in the movie: "Eddie Monsoon - A Life". Jan Staff makes the observation about "Holy": "When Eddie goes back to sleep after the visit from 'Santa Claus' (Richie), he imitates the Edward Munch painting 'The Scream'." There have been alot of strong reactions to this assertion by Bottom fans: some agree, others disagree vehemently. You make the call. Also in "Holy", Eddie decorates the flat by spraying "QPR" (see dictionary) in white snow-flocky stuff on the wall; he also sprays "edIe Is grate". In "Smells", Eddie borrows a line from the number 1 top grossing film of 1965, "The Sound of Music": "Adieu, adieu, to yeu and yeu and yeu." ______________________________ 4.2 The "Red Dwarf" Connection Robert Llewellyn, who plays "Kryten" on the cult sci-fi comedy show "Red Dwarf", had a cameo in "Parade" as a one-legged Falklands war veteran. Peter Wragg handled the special effects on both "Bottom" and "Red Dwarf". Does the landlord in the pub look familiar to you? He's Lee Cornes, probably better known as Dave Lister's Paranoia in "Red Dwarf". The actor at the end of "Accident" who gets his arm pinched at the "birthday party" by Richie is Mark Williams. He was also in "Red Dwarf" as "Olaf Peterson" (series 1, episodes 1 and 3, and series 2, episode 4). He's also been in "Alexei Sayle's STUFF". In "Red Dwarf" series 1 the character "Chen" was played by Paul Bradley. He also played the part of the burglar in the episode "Burglary". And he now plays the part of "Nigel" in the BBC soap "Eastenders". Interestingly, Ed Bye directed all of the episodes of "Bottom". "Red Dwarf" fans know him for his direction of the first three seasons of that show. ______________________________ | 4.3 The cast--did you know...? Harriet Thorpe ("Smells", woman at the bar), is a talented actress who has also appeared in "Absolutely Fabulous" (as "Fleur"), as well as "The Brittas Empire" (as "Carol"). Helen Lederer ("Natasha" in "Digger") has also appeared in "Absolutely Fabulous," "The Young Ones," "Filthy Rich and Catflap," and "One Foot In The Grave." Christopher Ryan (who plays "Dave Hedgehog") also was cast in "The Young Ones" as Mike some ten years earlier. He was recently in "Absolutely Fabulous." Steven O'Donnell ("Spudgun") has been in the BBC drama "Casualty". I swear I saw him in a pizza commercial...He also fronted Sega's commercials in the UK for a year or two. Brian Glover ("Mr. Rottweiler") is an accomplished actor who got his start in the film "Kes". Recently, he was in "Kafka" with Jeremy Irons and Joel Grey. He does the [UK] TV voiceover for commercials for Tetley Tea and Allinsons Bread ("Bread with nowt taken out.") . Lee Cornes, the barkeeper in "Bottom", played a member of the execution squad in "Blackadder Goes Forth" ("Corporal Punishment"), and also had a bit parts in "The Young Ones" and "Filthy Rich and Catflap." Julia Sawalha (the bar-maid in "Parade") is in the cast of the Britcom "Absolutely Fabulous". She plays Saffron Monsoon, Edina's (Jennifer Saunders) daughter. She is currently filming "Pride and Prejudice" in England. ______________________________ | 4.4 A Dictionary for Americans This dictionary was recently trimmed, so it includes only those terms that are used in "Bottom." for the full, unabridged UK/US dictionary, see the cathouse.org WWW pages (http://cathouse.org/BritishComedy/Info/). BBC = the British Broadcasting Corporation Beeb = affectionate name for the BBC bird = woman Birmingham Six, The = were wrongly convicted of an IRA bombing, sentenced to umpteen years in jail, but were recently released after an investigation ("Burglary") biro = ball-point pen ("Smells", "Culture") bloke = man bloody = damned ("A bloody shame.") or used as mere intensive ("Not a bloody one.") bog = toilet bog-roll = toilet roll bollocks = the ass; also used as an exclamation ("Bollocks!"); also, to mean something that is worthless or nonsensical ("You're talking bollocks.") bugger = to sodomize; or used as a general insult ("You Bugger!"); also used as an exclamation ("Bugger it!") bugger all = nothing ("There's bugger all inside.") bugger off = go away Carpenter, Sue = British newscaster (see sect. 3.2) chat-up lines = pick-up lines ("Digger") cracking = great ("What a cracking bird!") dole = welfare ("I'm on the dole.") dosh = money football = soccer (very big in England, like baseball in the U.S.) Floyd, Keith = has a cooking show on BBC2. Noticeable characteristics are his exhuberance, and the fact that he always has a glass of wine in his hand. ("Holy") gaff = place; can be home. ("Culture") git = idiot, fool; also can mean bastard son of a prostitute in some areas have it off = (having it off) intercourse ("Digger") jumper = sweater ("Smells") Kendal, Felicity = an actress famous for starring in "The Good Life", a very popular 70's BBC sitcom. Her bottom is held in very high regard by some British males. (see sect. 3.3) kip = sleep ("I could do with a kip" or "He's kipping on the sofa.") knackered = tired or broken knob = penis (see also nob) ("Accident", "Holy") Late Show, The = high-brow arts show on BBC2. (not what Eddie and Richie would be watching!) loo = bathroom nicked = stolen ("Smells") nob = short for "nobility" (see also knob) ("Holy") on the pull = looking for sex; seeking a "one-night-stand" pants = underwear ("Smells") Polo (s) = round white minty candies with a hole in the middle ("Digger") pong = (noun or verb) to reek, esp. of body odor QPR = Queen's Park Rangers, a London soccer team (sprayed on wall in "Holy") quid = pound (monetary unit in Britain) 500 quid = 500 pounds ("Accident") Rantzen, Esther = presented a show called "That's Life" on BBC1 that's been on the air for 20 years; her teeth are very prominent ("Culture") Ross, Jonathan = TV presenter who does/did a similar show to David Letterman's.Has a famous speech impediment: he pronounces his R's as W's. rubbish = trash; something that is worthless or nonsensical. sad = usually means pathetic; recently it has come to mean the same as "crap" ("That was well sad.") Scott, Selina = newscaster/presenter/celebrity ("Burglary") shag = sexual intercourse Sketchley's = a chain of high-street dry cleaners ("S'Out") slap-up = four-star, excellent -- refers to food snog = deep-mouth kissing solicitor = lawyer. (in the US, a salesperson) swizz = rip-off ("'S Up") ta = informal thank you ("Gas") telly = television Tizer = a bright orange fruity-flavoured fizzy drink, aimed at kids ("Digger") torch = flashlight ("'S Up") wank, wanker = masturbation, one who masturbates; also used as a more general insult whinging = whining, to complain in an annoying manner _______________________ 4.5 Setting of the show The setting is Hammersmith, which, according to James Kew is "...not one of the more upmarket areas of London; quite alright though. The scene in the opening titles is Hammersmith Broadway, which was a construction site at the time of filming; it's since been redeveloped." ______________________ 5. I WANT MORE BOTTOM! _________________________________________ 5.1 The cathouse.org British Comedy Pages If you have access to the World-Wide Web, you owe it to yourself to check out this FAQ there. It is kept at the cathouse.org British Comedy Pages, thanks to Jason Heimbaugh and James Kew. The URL has recently changed: http://cathouse.org/BritishComedy/Bottom/FAQ/ Scripts, video and book information, and a transcript of "Bottom Live!" can be found at the cathouse.org British Comedy Pages as well. Simply remove "FAQ/" at the end of the URL above. There are also many pictures of Eddie and Richie taken from book covers, posters, and the video boxes. To jump directly to the pictures: http://cathouse.org/BritishComedy/Bottom/Pictures/ Initially you'll get thumbnail images, which you can then click on to load the larger picture. It can take some time, so be patient. _____________ 5.2 FTP Sites This FAQ, all twelve scripts, and "Bottom Live" are available via FTP. Log on as anonymous, giving your email account as your password. ftp://ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/Bottom/scripts ftp://cathouse.org/pub/cathouse/television/bottom/ You can also obtain these via email! Simply send the following message to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu: send usenet/news.answers/tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/* _____________ 5.3 The Books There are two books out in Britain of the scripts for "Bottom". _Bottom: The Scripts_ (by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall) (BBC Books, #8.99 0-536-36484-X hardback; #4.99 0-14-023497-7 paperback) _More Bottom: The Scripts_ (by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall) (BBC Books, #8.99 0-563-37032-7 hardback [No paperback available yet]) ______________ 5.4 RE: 'S Out For a transcript of the last episode of "Bottom" ("'S Out"), which has never aired in Britain, see Part 3 of this FAQ. =============================================== END OF PART 1 of BOTTOM FAQ =============================================== Archive-name: tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/part2 Posting-Frequency: monthly Last-modified: 25 Jan 1995 Version: 2.6 Part 2 ===================================================== THE "BOTTOM" FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS LIST ===================================================== Compiled and maintained by Version 2.6 Melinda 'Bob' Casino <bcdigest@ix.netcom.com> The most recently posted ASCII version of this file is available via email. Simply send email to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu with this in the body: send usenet/news.answers/tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/* Compilation Copyright 1994 by Melinda Casino.This FAQ is FREE, and should not be used by anyone for monetary gain. Include credits in all reproductions of this FAQ. ______________________ 6. SYNOPSIS AND QUOTES You are ENCOURAGED to e-mail me if your favorite quote is missing! SMELLS ====== Richie's just so lonely and depressed...obviously the solution is "pheremone," a can of aerosol sex spray that will attract any female, especially the four-footed kind. Establishes the characters and violent humor for the series. "I just don't understand it. I made all the right moves. I winked, I smiled--one of my nice ones, as well--I sat down very nicely, leaned forward, put on my special eyes, and said, 'Hello big tits, looking for some action?'" -- Richie "Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady." -- Eddie "What on earth are you eating?" (Richie) "Lard." (Eddie) "You are eating--lard." (R) "Yeah, well I'm hungry but I'm too drunk to cook." -- Eddie "Who needs girls when you've got your mates!" -- Richie "Hey, I've just had a fantastic idea!" (Eddie) "Oh great!" (Richie) Eddie drinks a pint. "Well?" (R) "Well what?" (E) "Well, what was the great idea?" (R) "To drink that." -- Eddie "Ditcha hear what I said? I said, 'Sad Old Git' section." Eddie "Yes, please--I've only got so many ribs, Noel Coward." -- Richie "Musky fox...musky sly old foxy stoat...minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat." -- Richie "Nil desperandum!" -- Richie "Okey-dokey then. Cheese-and-onion flavor Union Jack tickler it is! Bagsy me first go with it." (Richie) "No, no, no. Get _two_." (Eddie) "Get two?" (R) "Yeah." (E) "Wild man!" -- Richie GAS === Eddie and Richie find that do-it-yourself utility repair proves to have dire consequences. (loudly) "Hello Mr. Gasman!" (Richie) "Er, yes, hello again. I wonder if I could just read your me--" (Gasman) "Mr. who?" (Eddie) (shouting) "GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!" (R) "Do you have someone who looks after you? Could I see them, because I need to read your meter!" -- Gasman "Calm down, you hysterical girl's blouse!" (Eddie) "I was trying to burn it off." (Eddie) "What? Your face?" -- Richie CONTEST ======= This time, the power struggle between Eddie and Richie manifests itself in a war over what to watch on the telly: "The Miss World Beauty Contest" or...a documentary on cars? "And I don't know why I do it, but I've managed to put together a slap-up grill for two for no money at all. All the ingredients in tonight's main meal have either been grown, found or foraged." (Richie) "Oh dear." -- Eddie "What's this!?" (Eddie) "Elm tea. The gypsies *swear* by it." (Richie) "I bet they do--I bet they say, 'What the bloody hell is this?'" -- Eddie "It's not your house, it's your aunt's house." (Eddie) "For the purpose of this conversation, I am my aunt." (Richie) "Hello Mabel!" (E) "What, is she here? Shit, hide the fags! (turns around) Hello Auntie -- right, that's it! Get out!" -- Richie "'Lieutenant Sex Machine, Homicide! Yeah, what time? Damn! I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the D.A. takes my badge! Chief, just give me twenty-four hours!' Oh God, I wish I knew what all that meant!" -- Richie "Well thank you very much Edward. You learn something every day, don't you? And today I learnt that you're a complete bastard. Well, I think I might turn in now, I feel so enriched." -- Richie APOCALYPSE ========== Eddie and Richie are suddenly rich. First thing to do: go to the fair and blow some dosh. Richie crosses a gypsie fortune teller's palm with silver, or as close as he can get. For 5 pence, his future's going to look pretty bleak... "Hello, auntie--this is Rikki-Tikki-Tavi! Kissy-kissy-kissy, hug hug-hug!" -- Richie "I have just lost three hundred pounds! Yeah, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was you that nicked it, you swarthy thieving nomad! Yeah, either you or one of your slippery deformed half-brothers! Yes! Yes! I know what you gypsies get up to when the lights go out! Extended family? It's just another word for a sexual free-for-all!" -- Richie "So this is it is it? This is the land fit for heroes. I hurt my leg in the Falklands conflict for this, did I?" (Richie) "Did he?" (man) "Oh yeah, he tripped over the coffee table trying to switch channels." -- Eddie "Blimey, I think I've broken me stilts!" -- Eddie 'S UP ===== Eddie and Richie "skillfully" keep shop. Richie gets to wear a snazzy white shop keeper's coat, act rude to customers, and generally abuse his "authority"...afterall, that's what makes Britain great. (singing) "Land of Hope and Glory, something something else, Land of Hope and Glory, that is where I live." -- Richie "Come on, it's Sunday, a day of rest (twisting torso)! Absolutely nothing to do for twenty-four hours." (Richie) "It's much like every other day, then." -- Eddie "God, I love Sundays. Sunday papers, stroll in the park, church, and back home for a nice big joint of good old English beef. Strawberries and cream, a spot of tennis, and a smile in the heart of every true Englishman." -- Richie "Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look--'Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam.'" (Eddie) "Yabba-dabba-do!...No, Eddie, it's 'Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Makers.'" -- Richie "It's a very dignified thing, being a shop keeper, don't you think? You know, there's power, integrity, snazzy coat. Yeah, yeah." -- Richie "Oh, God, why did you make me so nice?" -- Richie "See? British shop keeping, Eddie, best in the world!" --Richie "We're a nation of shop keepers, you know. Oh, yuh, yuh, yuh, yuh. That's what makes us so great, you know. They don't call it 'Great Luxemburg' do they? No! Or 'Great France'..." (Richie) "What's so great about being a nation of shop keepers?" (Eddie) (incredulously) "What's so great about being a nation of shop keepers?" (R) "Yeah, what's so great about it?" (E) "Well it make us superior to everyone else. Because we know how to run a corner shop." -- Richie "British journalism, Richie--best in the world." --Richie "British thugs, Richie. Best in the world." --Eddie "Now, assistant, what I'd like this fine morning--" (shopper) "Excuse me, hang on, shz-shz-shz-shz-shz-shz-shz. Let's just get one thing clear, shall we? I am not an assistant. I am a shop keeper." (Richie) "Is there a difference?" (shopper) "Is there a difference? I've got a white coat on, he's got a jacket on back to front! And that's just the tip of the iceberg, mate!" -- Richie "This is your _name_, is it? 55-p? Mr. 55 pee?" -- Richie ACCIDENT ======== It's Richie's birthday, and he uses every opportunity he gets to rub it in Eddie's face. Anyone who can't relate to the petty one-upmanship between Eddie and Richie missed out on their childhood. "Chopper" Hitler's mates, Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog, are introduced. "'May all your birthdays be happy ones, we like you more than Eddie.' Ah-haaaaa. That's nice, isn't it?" -- Richie "He's written a little joke. 'Congratulations, it's your birthday, it's time for lots of fun...'" (Richie) "'So roll this card up nice and tight and stick it up your bum.'" (both) "Ah, ha ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha! He is a maaad man. Un-stoppable. Ah-ha-" (R) "That's the same card he sent last year, isn't it? Oh no, that's the same one he's sent for the last five years, actually. The same joke as well." -- Eddie "Ooh! Here's one from "All the lads on the Ark Royal"! Bless 'em, they never forget an old serviceman." (Richie) "By 'serviceman' I take it you mean that time you got caught on board pretending to be the Captain, just to impress Ethel Cardew." (Eddie) "It worked." (R) "No it didn't, she got off with the arresting officer!" (E) "Yeah, well, it worked for him!" -- Richie "Look, it says here 'Best wishes from all the lads on the Ark Royal'." (Richie) "But it's in your handwriting! You've been sending it to yourself for the last seven years! This one's from Rod Steiger, this one's from Abba with 'Happy Christmas 1973' written inside it, and this one's from 'The people of the Soviet Union, in grateful thanks to Comrade Richie.'" (Eddie) "It's in Russian." (R) "You just put the R's the wrong way round." (E) "That's what Russian *is*! -- Richie "We're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last twenty-five years." (Richie) "Oh! What's that?" (Eddie) "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! GO AWAY AND CRAWL AWAY AND DIE IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE, YOU BASTARD!" -- Richie "HA-HA! We're really _The Guys_, aren't we!!" -- Richie "Don't you know who I am?" (Richie) "No. Well, I mean, you're obviously some sort of arsehole, aren't you?" -- man DIGGER ====== The boys visit a "Love Bureau" service, hoping to get a "wazzo pair of jugs." Is Richie finally going to dooooo it? Eddie plays Jives the butler in their apartment, and we learn something new about him: he was once in love with Harry Belafonte. "Which one of you is Mr. Hitler?" (Love Bureau woman) "Well, that'll be me." (Eddie) "Any relation?" (LBW) "Well, I've got a mother." (E) "No, no, no , no, I meant Adolf Hitler." (LBW) "Yes, that's her!" -- Eddie "Can you see alright?" (Love Bureau woman) "Ah, no--that's why I wear glasses." -- Eddie "I'll just pop upstairs, then, and scrape off the sheets." -- Richie to his date "Four - e - play..." -- Richie, reading "The Joy of Sex" "If you're just here to emotionally cripple my friend Richie...then that's perfectly okay with me." -- Eddie "Now, what sort of woman are you looking for?" (Love Bureau woman) "Kim Basinger." (Eddie) "A woman like Kim Basinger..." "No, Kim Basinger. The real one." -- Eddie "Even on the telephone there was an immediate sexual tension." (Richie) "What, you mean you felt horney and she felt tense?" -- Eddie "Oh, shuuu-tuuuuuuup, Eddie." -- Richie "Oh, she's coming! Eddie, I need a stiff one." (Richie) "They'll be plenty of time for that later." -- Eddie "I despair, I really do!" -- Richie (used in many episodes) "I'm collecting for the needy. This," woman holds up collection tin, "is for the victims of domestic violence." "Oh, ta very much!" -- Eddie (taking tin) "You know what they say, 'Charity begins at home.'" (Richie) "Yep, and that's where it ends in our house." -- Eddie "What was it Shakespeare used to say?" (Richie) "Uh, 'hello, my dear. I'm a playwright, you know. Go on, give us a shag." -- Eddie "No really, what was it he used to say?" (Richie) "'What do you mean it's crap?! There's eight bodies at the end and he gets to shag his mum!'" -- Eddie "Ha deh se geg ah gneh eg ah sig gneh ah aa g...I'm sorry, I've forgotten how to talk." -- Richie (very important to get this quote correct!) CULTURE ======= The telly's been nicked, and we're having an evening of culture-and poetry-and chess. Rik Mayall turns in a superb performance here, jumping from one crazy notion to another like a manic depressive during the manic phase. Eddie is the most tolerant that he's ever been with Richie...until the end. "Grrrrrrrrr-Great Days!" (Richie) "No they weren't..." (Eddie) "No, they weren't, were they? Still, you've got to say it. Come on, grrrrrr-great days!" (R) [Unenthusiastically] "Grrrr-great days." -- Eddie "Let me get this sorted out: the bent vicar stands next to the queen...and the queen goes in every direction?" (Richie) "That's right." (Eddie) "And they let children play this?!" -- Richie "You know, it's funny: They say television encourages violence. I'm smashing his face in, and we haven't got one!" -- Eddie BURGLARY ======== Richie and Eddie turn in for bed--that is, until Richie hears a strange noise downstairs. No, it's not Eddie's gastrointestinal problem. "Eddie! What if they're looking for drugs?" (Richie) "We haven't got any." (Eddie) "That's what I mean. They'll be here all night." -- Richie "Only joking! It's very good for morale." -- Eddie Sung by Richie to the tune of 'The Sailor's Hornpipe.' He sings it as he hauls drunken Eddie up the stairs using a contraption: "Do your balls hang low, can you swing 'em to and fro, Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow, Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling, Oh you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low!" PARADE ====== Eddie and Richie get in another mess. Robert Llewellyn guest-stars. "Now you, it's on the management, what would you like?" (barmaid) "Oh. Sexual favours now is it?" (Richie) "No." (barmaid) "What do you mean, 'no'? What's wrong with me?" (R) "Well I would have thought that was patently obvious to everyone." --Barmaid "I'm not a homosexual if that's what you're thinking." (Richie) "Well, you're not strictly heterosexual are you Richie?" (Eddie) "Judas! I've never done it with a bloke!" (R) "Yeah, but you've never done it with a bird either, have you? (to everyone else) Has he?" (E) "No, no..." -- all "I'm heterosexual in intent." (Richie) "The nearest you've come to being heterosexual is barricading yourself in a bedroom with a copy of "Amateur Photographer" and a jar of hand-cream." (Eddie) "Yeah, but I mean...I've done it mentally...Boy have I done it mentally. Look at that bicep." -- Richie "Oh, if only I had a huge wad." (Richie) "Either that or a huge pile of cash." (Eddie) "Yeah...Hey, I've just had a great idea! Come with me to the lavatories!" (R) "That's not a great idea, that's the same cheap trick you try every Saturday night!" -- Eddie "Eddie, shut up, you're not as interesting as me." (Richie) "Fair enough." -- Eddie "Rightey dokey matey bloke flap old salty seadog amigo skip jack jockstrap piano tuner, let's see you balls this one up!" -- Eddie HOLY ==== It's Christmas and Richie is excited as usual. Eddie couldn't care less, until a tiny package arrives. The hilarious Christmas dinner scene always makes me feel better about my holidays. :) "I'd better get on with my turkey." (Richie) "What are you going to do with it?" (Eddie) "Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours until its completely burnt." -- Richie "Well that's just eff-ing marvellous!" -- Richie "We're English here, and we're going to do Christmas properly. Well, unless there's a Bond film on, obviously." -- Richie "Now Eddie: crackers?" (Richie) "Yes. But it's never stopped me so far." (Eddie) "No, I mean have you got the crackers?" (R) "No, it's just the way my trousers hang." -- Eddie "First aid! First aid! What's the procedure for someone who's just cut their finger off?" (Richie) "Ummmm-I think they bleed to death in half an hour." -- Eddie "HALF PAST EIGHT! AND ALL'S CRAP!" -- Eddie "Well then--who likes stuffing? (maniacal laughter)" -- Richie "Cor, what a magnificient bird!" (Richie) "Where?" (everyone) "Gets 'em every time!" -- Richie "Hey! Who's for a lovely juicy bit of breeeaast? (maniacal laughter)" -- Richie 'S OUT ====== This episode would never air in America, either. In one of the most politically incorrect episodes, Native American Indians are referred to as "Red Indians." This is the infamous 'Wimbledon Common' episode. Armed with a very small tent, one tin-opener, and no canned food, the boys set camp and the comedy begins. For the full transcript, see Part 3 of this FAQ. "I took evening classes in Jiu-jitsu, you know." (Richie) "You should have done them in Hammersmith. Then you could save money on the bus-fares." -- Eddie "What do you normally do when you go to bed, Eddie?" (Richie) "I normally have a bit of a kip." (Eddie) "You're so concise. I mean, what's your going-to-bed routine?" (R) "Ah, routine. Well, I normally...get into bed...and then I have a bit of a kip." -- Eddie "Listen, Eddie, I think there's something outside." (Richie) "Yeah, well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent." -- Eddie "You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie." (Richie) "Yeah, well I've had half a bottle of Scotch, what do you expect?" -- Eddie ...Coming soon: Quotes from "Hole," "Terror" and "Break"... FROM BOTTOM LIVE! ================= It's just another ordinary day in the "Land of Hope and Glory"...until a solicitor's letter and a package of "medical goods" threaten to upheave the delicate balance of Eddie and Richie's relationship. "Yes! Fifteen thousand pounds! Payable immediately. In cash! H-hhhrrrr, this is it Eddie. This is the big one. Birds! Booze! And...yeah, well that'll do me actually." -- Eddie "Oh Eddie, Eddie, why does everything we do have to degenerate into mindless violence?" (Richie) "Because that's the way we like it." (Eddie) "Yes, I suppose you're right, you insane old git." -- Richie "That's right me old cock-a-leekie mate flap sparrow Cockney rhyming bollocks!" -- Eddie "Do you mind, she's a respectable woman!" (Richie) "Yes, I can see that. And, erm, is this the box she came in? [examines it] Phworgh, blimey, she's a busy woman, isn't she? She's got three working offices!" -- Eddie "No knob. No knob. No knob! Not...a bit of a knob. Just, uh-uh, no knob! I've got absolutely nothing to do." -- Richie "Look, take it from me, I'm your best friend. You're a sad, ugly, foul-smelling, unpopular, friendless...arse-head. And everyone you have ever met would prefer it if you were dead." -- Eddie "I know all this already, you vast poisoned intergalactic buttock from Sainsbury's!" -- Richie ___________________ 7. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Thanks go to the following for their input and kind support: Peter C. Broekhuizen, Gwendolyn Brophy, Michael Clarkson, Richard Clements, Richard Covell, C.P.Cowen, James Cronin, Adam Davies, Gregg Giles, Drew Glazier, Phil Grant, Gavin Greig, Brian Gunning, Neill Hodgkinson, Jerry Kohl, Steve Lake, Mathew Lodge, Per Molin, Jon Morris, "MAD Mosher", Adrian Myers, Tim Neame, Mark Hiro Norman, Daniel O'Malley, David Owen, Barbara Petersen, Rien Post, Paul Sexton, Camilla Sharp, Paul Shippen, Daniel F. Smith, Jan Staff, Michelle T. Street, D.W. Stewart, Andrew Wong, and Andrew Young. Many thanks to Jason R. Heimbaugh for providing space at the cathouse.org British Comedy Pages. Special thanks to James Kew, for his editing and suggestions, and to Cindy Tittle Moore, who was instrumental in getting this FAQ approved by the *.answers team. GREAT MATES ALL! =============================================== END OF PART 2 of BOTTOM FAQ =============================================== Archive-name: tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/part3 Posting-Frequency: monthly Last-modified: 1994/12/12 Version: 2.6 Part 3 ===================================================== THE "BOTTOM" FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS LIST ===================================================== Compiled and maintained by Version 2.6 Melinda 'Bob' Casino <bcdigest@ix.netcom.com> ===================================================== "'S Out" by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall ===================================================== The most recently posted ASCII version of this file is available via email. Simply email mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu with this in the body: send usenet/news.answers/tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/* FAQ compilation Copyright 1994 by Melinda Casino. This FAQ is FREE, and should not be used by anyone for monetary gain. Include credits in all reproductions of this FAQ. THANKS: Many thanks go to my sister, Michelle, who was instrumental in expediting this transcript and ensuring accuracy. SPONSOR: Brought to you by Mazola, best stuff to drink when you're drunk. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SCENE: Outdoors: Wimbledon Common. A sign says 'DOGS TOILET'. RICHIE: La la la la la da da! Oh, I don't know about you, but after a long hike like that I'm just about ready to pitch camp and hit the sack. EDDIE: What do you mean? I can just about see the bus from here! R: Yes, this looks like a good spot, a natural sort of... E: Shithole. R: Yeah--no, no, no, no. I mean a natural hollow, in the lie of the wind, fresh water supply, the wind coming from (wets finger and holds it in the air)--gaw, oh, dear oh dear oh dear (bad smell) You'd think people'd have better control of their dogs, wouldn't you? Look at that. Huh! Must've been a Great Dane! Aw, we can't camp here, we're not French. Hi-dee-ho, on we go, Eddie. No rest for the hygienic. Dear oh dear, who'd be English! (Steps forward one foot) Yeah, this is much better here. Much more likely spot. (R takes camping gear off his back) Ah, this is great, isn't it Eddie? E: What? R: This... E: No. R: You poor sad deformed urban pustule. This is real life: nature, struggle, destiny. Where's your romance? E: Well, she works in Sketchleys every Saturday afternoon. Should be going out with her tonight. That's a point. If I pop off in half an hour I can just get to the chemist before they close. R: You stay where you are, Judas. Where's your sense of adventure? E: Ah, now, she's in Chiswick. R: No, I mean your spuuunk? I don't--no, no, no--Let's just avoid that line of questioning, shall we? Come on, Eddie. We don't need birds. Besides, if we don't do it, we'll lose that bet with Mad Ken Stalin that we can't live rough in the country for a week. And we haven't got fifty quid, and I'd rather hang on to my knee-caps if it's all the same to you. E: A WEEK!? R: Uh, yes, hah. I-I was hoping to break that to you at a more opportune moment. E: A BLOODY WEEK? R: Yeah, well, I wasn't the one who got drunk and bet him he couldn't stick a dart in his temple. Once he'd done that, he had us over a barrel. E: But I've only got enough underwear for tonight. R: That's all you've ever had. E: That's true. R: Now, look, we're stuck with it, so will you for heaven's sake quit moaning. Come on, let's get the tent up. Honestly, Alexander the Great never had this problem. E: Well he wasn't a complete dickhead, was he? R: Right, that's it. That's it. (takes fighting stance) Yeees. I've been doing evening classes in Jujitsu, you know. E: Well you should have taken them in Hammersmith, then you could've saved money on the bus fares. R: Ah, HA-HA-HA-HA! (hysterical laugh as he catches the joke) Eddie, what great mates we are! (Eddie looks to the camera and mimes wanking motion). R: Jujitsu, Hammersmith, marvelous! Come on, let's get the tent right up. Cut to scene of Richie putting up tent. Camera pulls back to reveal extremely small tent. Eddie is sitting on a bench observing. E: Right, well, that's the toilet tent--where do we sleep? R: OH, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Look out everybody I'm about to blow my trousers off in merriment at Eddie's sarcasm. E: What, you mean that's the whole tent? R: Eddie, this isn't just a tent. This is a World Ranger Storm-Buster 4. You can go anywhere in that. E: Yeah, and we probably will as soon as the breeze gets up. R: Hey, hey, don't knock it. You'll be glad for this when the bomb drops. E: What, you think that's going to withstand a twenty-megaton nuclear blast?! R: Well you'll be sleeping in it tonight so we'll find out, won't we? E: Wait a minute--we're both going to sleep in this? R: Yes. E: We'll be very close, won't we? R: Well, we'll have our sleeping bags to keep us--respectable. E: Sleeping bags?! What's this all about? The last thing I remember is ordering two pints of mild. R: Well I've got my sleeping bag. E: Well where's my sleeping bag? R: Well the last I hear she was in Chiswick! E: So there's only one sleeping bag? R: It would appear so, yes. E: Oh, yeah, I get it... R: Eddie, I'm not trying to trick you into a nudie sauce romp, believe me. I'd rather stick my genitals in a bee's nest. E: Kinky. R: What do you mean, 'kinky'? How am I kinky? E: You want to stick your genitals in a bee's nest. R: No I don't, that's the whole point, it's sarcasm, uh! Look, the point I was trying to make is that though sticking one's genitals in a bee's nest is a stupendously un-nice experience, it's nevertheless preferable to a squidgy sleeping bag session with you! Alright? Now can we just get our equipment out? I mean, can't we get our tackle out--no, I mean get our gear--oh, God, you can't say anything without some dreadful double-entendre lurking around the corner. Look shall we just unpack and get dinner on the go, alright? (Turns back to the camp. Turns around suddenly with migraine expression) I bet you forgot the tin-opener, didn't you? I despair, I really do! I give you one simple task, one little obligation, and what do you do? You forget it! E: Well that's where you're wrong, be-cauuuse (pulls tins-opener out of bag) ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (waves it tauntingly in Richie's face) Here it 'tis. Right! Where are the tins? R: Shit! Shit! You stupid bastard! Why did you make me forget them? Why do I always have to do every--we are going to starve to death now. We are going to starve to death. E: But look! I've got a packet of chocolate hob-nobs. R: (Completely relieved) Oh, thank God. Ah-ha-ha-ha, oh Eddie, we're saved. E: What do you mean, 'we'? I'm alright, I don't fancy your chances much. R: Oh, have a heart, Eddie. It's your old pal here, Richie. E: Exactly. Bugger off. (Richie leans towards the hob-nobs Eddie is eating, mouth open. Eddie hits Richie in the face. Richie winds up for a swing, Eddie gets up, the punch lands on the metal bench with a thud. Eddie scrambles into the tent.) R: Eddie? Eddie? (hears Eddie eating in the tent. Takes pole from tent and whacks the tent repeatedly. Eddie crawls out. Richie continues to stomp on the tent, as Eddie stands by watching. Both nod to each other when he finishes. The struggle for the hob-nobs continues. Richie's eye gets speared with the other tent pole. He takes it out and turns around, winding a punch towards Eddie. He misses, but the hob-nobs are knocked into flight. Great direction here as we see the hob-nobs flying, in slow-motion, only to land in a murky, foul pond. A few more blows are exchanged as a result. End of scene, signaled by jazz music). NEW SCENE: Eddie and Richie are drying out the hob-nobs over a fire. R: What was that film where they ate each other? E: Deepthroat, wasn't it? R: Yeah, that's right...great, wasn't it? Anyway, anyway, back to the question of food. E: Oh, yeah. Hang on, this is Wimbledon Common, isn't it? R: Yeeees.... E: Hey, I wonder how much meat you get on a womble? R: Eddie, wombles don't exist. E: Oh yes they do, I've seen them on the telly. R: Eddie, would it scar you for life if I told you they were just puppets? E: Yes it would. R: Good. Eddie, THEY WERE JUST PUPPETS. E: Well what's that then? R: It's a--arrgh! (cut to hedgehog crawling in the grass) Eddie, that is a hedgehog. E: No, it's not. That is great Uncle Bulgaria. R: Well if it's great uncle Mulgaria, then the series has taken a sad turn for the worse because he's wandering around in the nude. E: Whuah! The wombles have gone x-rated! R: Eddie, pop your insane leaking brain back in its sponge-bag for just an instant and concentrate. Now, womble or not, that is our supper. E: It'll be a bit spiky, won't it? R: Eddie, red Indians eat them, y'know. E: Is that why they run around going hohohohohoho! (Indian motion in front of mouth) R: Eddie, Eddie, you're so soi-disant (French for "self-styled")! Red Native Americans do not run around the place going 'hohohohohoh'. No, it's ridiculous. They run around going 'How.' E: I bet they do. I bet they run around going 'How the bloody hell are we supposed to eat that spiky hedgehog?' R: No they do not. They run around the place saying, 'How lovely that spiky hedgehog meal was, Mrs. Sitting Bull. We really must do the same next Tuesday, it was charming. How's Roger's prep school, by the way? E: What the bloody hell are you talking about you madman? R: You wouldn't understand, Eddie--different social strata. Now, how are we gonna kill it? E: Well, you could bore it to death. R: Right-o! Nooo---hmmmm...oh, it's all academic now, he's buggered off. Oh, no! There he is, in the thicket! Right, this is it. Uh, okay, right. E: Oh, I know. Let's entice him out with a chocolate hob-nob. R: Great idea, great idea. And then when he's out in the open, we'll surround him and finish him off. Right. So, we need to gather some sticks and sort of lash them together to fashion some sort of rifle! E: I wonder what the Pygmies do? R: They wander around saying, 'Crikey, isn't everything big?' E: It's no wonder they died out then, is it? R: Huh-huh-huh. E: Hang on, I've got my darts. And we can use this (picks up tent pole) as a blow-pipe. R: Oh yes. Oh Eddie yes. Darts and a blow-pipe--very rainforest. God, I wish Sting was here to see this. E: Right, here we go. R: Oh Eddie Eddie, hang on. Now listen, if we're going to do this really really properly, we're gonna have to have some proper Amazon Indian names for ourselves. E: Come on before he goes off to meet Orinoco. R: Shut up, Eddie, shut up. This is important. Right, now it's got to be sort of eagley, with a dash of running dog and not forgetting a hint of being a tower of attraction to women. E: Mmmm--what about Neville? R: That's brilliant! Running Neville--no, no, Sitting Neville. No, nooooo--Squatting Neville. E: Come on, he's getting away. R: Don't hustle me-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-alright, I don't like it, but we'll have to go with Pocahontos. E: Alright, Hogateepontas, entice him out. R: Hey, don't forget to make the noise. (Both run at the thicket, making the 'Indian noise,' then stop simultaneously) R: Oh, he's buggered off. E: Oh look! There he is, by the tree! R: Right! Let's go! Ooo, hey Eddie: do you think we should do this in our underpants? It would be great, it would be really Indiany. We could get some hankies and put them down the front and the back like flaps, and--stupid idear, isn't it? We haven't got any hankies. No, hang on--we could use some pages from the Evening Standard! They're even bigger! We get a big flap down the front, and a big flap down the back, we'll get our biros out and we'll doodle on our nipples. Take the point, then it's a bit chilly, isn't it? Right then, let's hunt. Huh! (in a sweet voice) Mrs. Tiggewinkle...Mrs. Tiggewinkle. It's not working. Mr. Tiggiewinkle...yum, yum (throws hob-nob into the bush) Right, Eddie, he's broken cover. Let 'im have it. (Eddie puts blowpipe to mouth and blows. We hear a "thump" as if it went into something soft) E: Did I get him? R: No you missed. E: Damn! R: Eddie me old chum... E: Yes me old mate? R: Do us a favor and pull this dart out of the back of my head, would you? (We now see the dart has lodged in Richie's head). E: Right me ol' mucker. Blimey, how'd that get in there? R: I've no idea. Hurry along now, I'm losing me eyesight. (The dart comes out with a pop, as Richie falls face first into the camp fire. Richie's face is singed and he rushes, yelling, towards the pond. Dunks head in) E: Richie R: (Gurgle) E: You've put the fire out now. R: Eddie! There's a fish in there.(Eddie aims with blowpipe) There he is! Let him have it! (Eddie blows again) E: Go and get him Richie. R: No I think I'll just hang around here on the shore if it's all the same with you." E: Come on, he's only a fish. R: Yes, I realize that, but unfortunately my hand is now attached to this boulder. (Lifts hand to reveal dart and boulder. Eddie pulls dart out of hand. Boulder falls on Richie's foot-Richie yells in pain.) R: Right. Give me the blowpipe. E: Yep, I'm very sorry Richie. R: Give me the dart. E: Here you go. R: Right. Go and stand over there. E: Fair enough. (Richie loads the dart in the blowpipe and proceeds to suck in the dart). R: ARRRGGGHHH! (muffled) Scthlap me! E: I beg your pardon? R: SCTHLAP--ME! E: Oh! I like this game...(E slaps R in the face) Hey, you've got a dart in there, did you know that? You-have got a dart-in there! R: Geth ith out! E: I be-I beg your pardon." (Eddie closes his coat) R: Geth ith out! E: Kinky! R: THE DTHARTH! E: Oh. (Eddie picks up mallet and hits Richie on the head. Dart ricochets to finally land in Richie's posterior.) R: OOOOWWWWW! (Richie picks out dart and throws it away) I don't think we're really cut out for this dart business, do you? E: The only thing that's had anything to eat around here is the bloody hedgehog. There's only one hob-nob left--that's 27 hob-nobs he's had! It's no wonder he shits like a Great Dane. R: Hey, Eddie, why don't we have a go at that fish? E: But we haven't got a fishing rod. R: Ugh. Hey, why don't we use your vest as a net? E: Would I have to be in it? R: Come on, give us the vest. (Eddie rips off vest without getting undressed) Hah! Right! Get the stove nice and hot. Stand back Moby, here I come! (Richie flings vest in the pond. Meanwhile Eddie starts the fire using propane gas thingamagig) E: Have you caught anything yet? R: (Lifting up condom) Yes, I think I very probably have caught something, Eddie. It's quite a love nest around here, you know. (Richie continues to forage, this time stepping into the pond. We can hear the fuel leaking as Eddie searches for matches) R: Oh! Great! Eddie, I've landed one! She is a beauty! (Richie holds up a very small fish, speared with the dart) E: Nice one, Richie. R: Look at 'er. _Look at 'er_. She must be THAT big! (Richie holds arms wide) Quite the little battle there--yeah! I'm a-I'm afraid we lost the vest in the battle. E: (pause) You mean my vest is in the pond... R: Yes. Is the stove lit yet? E: Half. R: Half? E: Yeah, you haven't seen the matches anywhere, have you? R: Noooo--you could try rubbing sticks together.... E: Mmmmm. It's a tad more urgent than that. R: Oh alright. Alright, you can use my Briquet (NOTE: French for "lighter"). But don't keep your finger down for longer than a second. (Eddie lights the fire, which shoots eight feet in the air) E: Stove's lit. R: Nice one. Right! Let's get Moby under the grill! I'm famished! (Richie puts Moby on a stick, and holds in fire. Moby catches fire. Richie waves it around trying to put it out. Finally he stomps on it) E: Is it done, then? R: I think so. They don't take long, do they? E: What, and we just eat it straight off the ground, do we? Is that safe? R: Oh Eddie, you and your hygiene. We're in the countryside here, we've got everything we need. We'll wash it in the lake--lovely fresh mountain stream, it'll be *lovely*. (Looks down at fish) Yeah, well you pick it up, it's a bit near the dogshit for me. (Eddie 'washes' the fish) E: Ooops! Lost a bit. Which end's the head, do you think? R: Oh come here, give it to country boy, I'll divide it up. Uhh, well, it's bound to be one or the other, isn't it? Uhhh--heads or tails? No, we can't do that can we? Alright, I'll have the black bit, you have the flakey bit. Good health! (Richie pops it into his mouth) That was--disgusting! You're not eating yours, Eddie? E: No, I'm keeping it. R: What for? E: Evidence. (Takes out plastic baggie and puts remains of fish in it) R: Come on Eddie, you've got to get some nutrition. E: I'm alright, mate. I've got half a bottle of scotch here, I know who's side I'm on. R: Yeeessss---Let's get boozy and sit around the campfire singing dirty rugby songs. E: Yeah! Right, here we go. (Fire finally runs out of fuel as they sit down) Oh well! First shot to me. (Eddie drinks the rest in one long gulp) There you go. R: Alright! (Richie puts empty bottle to his mouth) Ohhhwowowow! I'm going crazy! Okay, dirty rugby songs, here we go! Twinkle, twinkle, little--oh, that's not really dirty, is it? Eddie? (Eddie has collapsed) Oh, Eddie, don't pass out already! You'll miss out on all the fun. E: What fun? R: Yes, I suppose that's a point. When you come to think of it, nothing ever really happens in the country, does it? (Just then a flasher comes by and flashes them) You wonder why they do it, really, don't you? I mean, with something as small as that...mine's bigger than that and mine's *tiny*. Ish. Tinyish. Oh well. (Stands up) Time for bed. E: What do you mean, it's only half past five?! R: We're in the country now, and you know what they say: 'A cuckoo in May, oora-oora-ay!' SCENE ENDS SIGNALED BY JAZZ MUSIC. NEW SCENE: Night, with a full moon. Eddie and Richie are squeezed next to each other in the tent. The sign that says 'DOGS TOILET' is within the confines of the tent. R: Well. Here we are Edward. You sure you didn't sneak a quick peek at my underpants when I was getting into my sleeping bag? E: Absolutely Richie. I give you my word of honor, I did not catch even the slightest glimpse of your gaudily stained love-blob containers. R: Right. Good. Well. Nighty-night, then...What do you normally do when you got to bed, Eddie? E: I normally have a bit of a kip. R: You're so concise. I mean, what's your going-to-bed routine? E: Oh, routine. Well, I normally get into bed, and then I have a bit of a kip. R: Wonder what's on telly right now. Probably missing Emmerdale Farm. Mat'll probably have his arm up some cow's backside by now. Lucky bugger. E: We'll miss The Late Show of course. Gaw, that bird in the red specs... (makes puffing sound) R: Eddie, are you carrying a torch for her? E: (Looks down at trousers) No, it's just the way my trousers ruck up. R: Oh. (Notices Eddie has started reading something) What are you reading, Eddie? E: I don't know, I'm too drunk to focus. R: (sigh) Bored now...you ever been hang-gliding? E: Nope. R: No, nor me. Well that's exhausted that one, then. Huh. I can't think of anything else to talk about you know. E: WELL NIGHT-NIGHT THEN! R: Yes, I suppose so. Night-night. Sleep tight. Hope-the-bed-bugs-do-not-bite. If they do, do a poo, put it in a Cornish stew. Into the ambulance, dring, dring, dring, Fish trousers elephant in Peking. Saw a busy bee, tiddle-diddle-dee, Daddy's an accountant just like me. Night-night, God bless. (Immediately shuts eyes and goes to sleep) I'm still not sleepy you know...You know, I think it's the sleeping bag. It's letting in a draft. E: Oh my heart bleeds. R: Come on Eddie. I'm more sensitive than you are. Do us a favor, old pal. Grab a hold of my drawstring and give it a bloody good yank. E: I beg your pardon? R: No, here. E: Oh. (Eddie yanks string so that it's very tight around Richie's neck) R: Okay, fine, fine! Good. Right. Night-night, then. (Leans over to kiss Eddie, suddenly realizes it's inappropriate) No, no, no! Put the light out Eddie, would you? (Eddie starts to snore) Oh, God, I can't get out. I'll have to do it meself. (Tries to blow out the lamp. Inches closer while blowing. Next shot is of Richie burning his face) OOOooooo--oh, God, who'd be me? Night-night, world. (Storm starts with clap of thunder and lightning. Rain pours down. The exaggerated hoot of an own is heard.) R: Eddie, Eddie! There's someone outside, doing owl impressions. (Owl hoots again) Not very good ones, either. (Eddie wakes up and starts thrashing around. Richie hits him repeatedly with a cooking pot held in his mouth) E: What are you doing that for? I was having a dream. R: I know--it sounded harrowing. E: No! I was in bed with Kim Basinger. It was fantastic. Let's get back to sleep very quickly. (Both shut their eyes) E: WHERE THE BLOODY HELL AM I?! R: No Eddie, calm down, you're in a tent--you're in a tent. Listen, Eddie, I think there's something outside. E: Yeah, well, there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvass tent. R: No, listen! (Owl noises again) No, Eddie, I'm serious. I'm getting a sense of something magnificently evil, black, and foul hanging in the air waiting to destroy us. E: Yeah, that would be the fish repeating on you. (Owl hoots) R: There it is again...what do you think it is? A wolf? A bear? E: WOMBLES!! R: WOMBLES! Oh, oh, look Eddie, Eddie, why don't we bring the fire inside the tent to ward them off? E: Well that'd be a bit dangerous, wouldn't it? R: No, it's gone out. E: Well what's the point then? R: Oh--oh yes, silly me! E: Heyayayayayaya--why don't we light a small fire inside the tent? R: Alright, just a small one. E: Oh, you know me. A tiny little bitsy teeny one. R: Good ole Eddie. E: Now, where's the paraffin? Here we go. (Eddie starts to drink it) R: No! No, Eddie, don't drink it, we need that! E: Stand well back. R: What do you mean, 'stand well back?' I can't get out of this bloody sleeping bag, can I? E: Here we go. R: No--Eddie, change of plan! (Exterior shot of tent. Fire bursts out both sides of the tent) R: (inside the tent, both their faces are burned) Nice one, Eddie. That should ward them off. (Shadow appears outside the tent) Oh! Eddie! Look! Help me get out of this sleeping bag! E: There's no time! (Eddie zips down the tent entrance. Zipper is raised slowly from the other side. Our friend, the crazy flasher, sticks his love spuds in the tent, laughing hysterically. Eddie and Richie scream. Alot. Eddie zips down the tent. Flasher runs off screaming, and taking the tent with him.) E: (Understated) Right, well. That's about it for me. I'm off. (Richie tries to inch after him like a worm in his sleeping bag) E: What are you not coming? R: Well I can't, I can't move, can I? E: Well that's a point. (Eddie picks up mallet used earlier) R: Eddie, no! I'll let the reader guess what happens next. :) =================================================================== t h e e n d